All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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