I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
