there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
