hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
