i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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