I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
