So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
