If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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