May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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