why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
