I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
