from now on my penis is your penis
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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