Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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