Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
