How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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