just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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