every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
