I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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