I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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