I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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