She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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