i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
