Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
