Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
