I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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