So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
