There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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