if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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