Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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