i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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