just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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