i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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