is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Randomize
