oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
