just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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