I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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