The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
