I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize