When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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