yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
