She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
