Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
