You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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