I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
