Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm passing your future prison.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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