NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
