He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize