Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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