my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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