I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
