What a fucking waste of an outfit
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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