Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
im holly from the hills drunk
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
