He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize