the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
