i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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