If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
