Your dad touched me again.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
