I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
