mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
