I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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