just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
