Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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