her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
