Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
