I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
