Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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