It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
