when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
