Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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