So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize